The What, How & When of Communication - The Way of Phi in Practice -

At the heart of real communication, we’re carried by a magic carpet. In letting go into its wisdom we rise.

Dear  friend,

When we talk about communication, it’s easy to focus on the What:

– What is being said or written

– What is being heard or read

– Whether it's explicit or implicit, verbal or nonverbal (e.g. body language)

These are important aspects that I call the Linear part of communication: the content.

As we begin to pay closer attention, we realise that the How also plays a crucial role:

– How we express ourselves (word choice, intonation, facial expression, pacing)

– How we receive the message (do we really listen, or just react to our own thoughts? Are we patient, or do we interrupt?)

These factors often matter even more than the what, because they shape what can actually come through.

For example, someone who is fearful or triggered may struggle to receive any message, whereas in a centred and safe space, communication flows more smoothly.

This is what I call the Circular part of communication: the feeling.

And then there’s the When:

– Is it the right time to bring this up?

– Do we have the time and presence to explore what might follow?

– Are we in the right physical, emotional, or mental state for a meaningful conversation?

If we’re tired, hungry, rushed, or distracted, even good content delivered with good intent may fall flat.

This is the Dynamic Balance of communication: the timing.

To communicate well, we must consider all three: What, How, and When. And if one of them isn’t ideal, how can we compensate?

Maybe the timing isn’t great, but the message can’t wait.

Maybe the content is still taking shape, but something needs to be voiced.

Maybe we feel upset or afraid, but we need to speak anyway.

Awareness of these fundamentals allows us to hold space, for ourselves, and perhaps even more importantly, for the other person.

Because with greater awareness comes greater responsibility. 

For instance, when one party is an adult and the other a child, it’s usually the adult who must carry more of the weight in maintaining the quality of the communication.

Communication is never just about transmitting information. It’s about cultivating the field in which something real can happen.

– What about you?

– How do you experience communication, and what makes it work, or not work, for you?

With gratitude,

Christopher