Not Adapting. Not Rebelling. - The Way of Phi in Practice -

At the edge of a forest, at the edge of a field

Dear friend,

Lately, I've been seeing how easily I adapt to other people.

Until I've had it. Then I rebel.

Looking more closely, I noticed something:

Both positions are happening reactively.

In other words, my actions happen without any real volition and are based on what someone else does.

It also seems that I am so good at adapting that most of the time people don't even notice it. Including myself. And then it becomes problematic.

For as long as I am adapting consciously and willingly to another person, that means that I can also choose not to do so. For it is not always right to adapt. But when it happens more or less automatically, then I am kind of just playing along, oblivious to why I am doing it.

Then, there is the other side of the coin, rebelling. More often than not this has meant doing the opposite of what I thought the other person expected of me, more or less. But that is a modus operandi that is almost as dependent as the adapting one, and thus, while it might look like an act of liberation, it isn't really freedom.

Sure, there is a liberating feeling in defying expectations and going my own way, but that is usually rather short-lived.

So, this is a habit pattern that I am now seeing myself doing.

And having seen it, I am becoming more and more aware of it.

Thus, I feel that I am moving in the direction of breaking the habit.

One interesting – and challenging – thing about breaking patterns is that this usually evokes feelings of disorientation, unease, and sometimes even panic. Even when it's a pattern that is detrimental. Perhaps even more so in those very situations when the pattern is clearly not one that one wishes to perpetuate.

Pursuing this, I find that the path of forging new behavioural patterns is fraught with the feeling of peril and impending doom. Like something bad is going to happen at any moment. And that is where the battle rages. The more ingrained the habit, the more difficult the battle.

I have heard it suggested that the best way to change a habit is by replacing it with another one, and at first I thought that made good sense. But now I'm not so sure. Because that – to me – seems like changing to another enemy rather than defeating it. Of course, if the old habit has negative repercussions, e.g. smoking, and that is replaced by e.g. exercising, that could surely come with benefits. However, if the goal is to move out of the reactive way of behaving, then I believe that the goalpost has merely moved.

Since I moved back to the forest about a month ago, I have found myself walking and running through the forest and over the fields several times. This is the first time in my life when I have moved back to almost the exact place where I used to live – a place that I really loved, no less. It feels both very familiar and different at the same time. This is a place where many significant things transpired, including writing my book The Way of Phi. But it is also a place where I was intensely challenged. So, it is with mixed feelings that I tread on these familiar paths. And that I welcome, because it feels real, grounded, and mature.

For I no longer long for the easy – nor for the difficult. What matters to me now is the authentic, whatever it may be.

Still here,

Christopher

PS Click here to get The Way of Phi